SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Feet cold and wet
Glass being held at incorrect angle
Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Drink unusually pale and tasteless
Glass empty
Get someone to buy you another drink

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Opposite wall covered with fluourescent lights
You have fallen over backwards
Have yourself lashed to the bar

SYMPTOM:
FAULTS:
ACTION:

Mouth contains cigarette buts
You have fallen on the floor
See above

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Drink tasteless, front of shirt is wet
Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to toilet, practise in mirror

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Feet warm and wet
Improper bladder control
Stand next to nearest dog and complain about its house training

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Floor blurred
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Get someone to buy you another drink

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Room seems unusually dark
Bar has closed
Confirm home address with landlord

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Floor moving
You are being carried out
Confirm you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION:

Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Cover mouth!